It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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