It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
