How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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