Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
