ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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