there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
