why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
