I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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