You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
