as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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