the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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