I can text with my tongue
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
