Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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