you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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