I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize