Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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