I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
