I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
