I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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