I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
