if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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