My underwear smells like fireworks.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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