in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
