Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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