I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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