Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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