the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A+ Viking dick
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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