After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
