It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
