He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize