Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I looked at my own cervix.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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