singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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