Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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