party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
