WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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