The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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