Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
