He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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