WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just gift wrapped bread.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize