The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize