my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
