Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
