Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
