I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
