umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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