I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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