yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize