I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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