trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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