Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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