My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize