I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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