He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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