Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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