I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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