walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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