Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I had to cum in my sink.
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